Morning Motherhood Musings

"Motherhood": Sculpture at the Catacumba Park, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil by Nelly Romeo Alves

 

Claire isn’t feeling well today. She woke up around 2am (naturally, right as I was drifting off to sleep) with a low grade – but still uncomfortable – fever, stuffy nose, and raspy voice. Summer cold, 2nd victim. (Hannah had it last week – although she never ran a fever.)  She got up this morning before me and began her morning routine of harrassing the cat, playing on the computer, and getting some breakfast. She’s 5. And that is the order in which her morning progresses every day. Cat. Computer. Cereal. I think it’s funny. If I were a better mother, I’d be awake before all the children and have breakfast cooked and ready and waiting for them. I am, however, not anywhere near that great.

She came in and out of my bedroom several times this morning and I laid in my bed unresponsive. I thought I could play oppossum and she’d continue on her merry way. I was trying to acquire some much needed sleep benefits even though I wasn’t asleep and knew, in the back of my mind, that I wasn’t going to return to sleep. She knew this too – and so she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs, “I LOVE YOU MOM!!” Which made me bolt upright! Scared the daylights out of me. She laughed.

She didn’t need anything – she just wanted my presence in the house. It was 9am and she’d been roaming around for about an hour. I don’t even know if she ever even *really* ate breakfast. I kind of just had assumed she would. She wanted me to stop being lazy I guess. Does sleeping in late because I stayed up too late and then she kept me up even later the same night equate to being lazy?  I would say no, but Claire apparently disagree.

By 11am she came to me and asked if we could snuggle in the bed and so we climbed under the covers and began what was the greatest part of the day so far. I asked her if she wanted to watch cartoons on tv but she said no, she just wanted to “sleep because (she) really meant to sleep late but forgot this morning and got up too early.”  (YES, she really said that!) I rubbed her back and stroked her little arm until she fell asleep. She slept for about an hour or so. She was so peaceful and serene. This is a child who NEVER naps – so I never get to bask in the moment of watching her sleep. It was great. I’m sorry she’s not feeling well but I did enjoy getting to experience what is supposed to be a Mother’s Right:  sleeping children during daytime hours. It has been YEARS since we’ve had consistent afternoon quiet times in this house. 

I really think the glory days of my motherhood were when the boys were little, Hannah was a baby, Claire was but a wish, and we lived in the little house. Things were so simple back then. Exhausting because I had a house full of small children – but simple, manageable. I had a little house that required little upkeep. It was 900sf. It was like a small apartment. 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, and a big backyard where we lived. I really really miss that house. I miss that time in our family life when things were so seemingly uncomplicated. For me, anyway, they were uncomplicated. 

Now my children are all growing up and there are no more babies to keep me busy with important yet mundane tasks of diaper changing, potty training, table foods, bottle weaning, night-sleep training…and the list goes on. I take a lot of joy/pride in the fact that I have been here every step of the way with my children. I haven’t missed a beat. I’ve been here for every major and minor milestone. I have never thought to sacrifice those moments in lieu of a nicer house, newer car, or fancy vacations. I’m glad we have lived frugally for the past 13 yrs of marriage so that we’ve been able to give the children this foundation: a mother at home. It’s important. Motherhood has been important to me. It IS important for children. Sacrificing material gain for my children has been something I felt was as natural as breathing. It never occurred to me to keep up with the Joneses. I was too wrapped up in keeping up with my own children. 

I can’t say this sacrifice hasn’t come without a price-tag. From a strictly financial point of view I have no idea how we will help the kids pay for college, get married, or start their own lives. And I really want to be able to do that for them. I have no idea how we will afford another family vacation, renovate the house (it needs it – not just for aesthetics – it really needs it), or buy cars for the kids to drive when they get old enough. And I have no idea how we are going to retire! It has always taken every penny we’ve ever made to raise the kids with a full-time mom at home. These are (some of the) reasons I’ve decided to return to college and eventually get a decent paying job. As my children outgrow the need for my constant oversight in mundane matters (everyone brushes their own teeth now), I feel like my energy needs to be redirected into something more productive than managing the chore list for my household, writing weekly menus and reading board books to preschoolers. In a way, I think, I’m starting to prepare for their departure – for an empty nest. I know that sounds awfully fatalistic – but it’s true. My baby years are over – a new chapter is unfolding – and I don’t want to be caught off guard, unprepared. Emotionally – or financially! 

Motherhood by Andrea Annunziata

But all that brings me around to this morning – when Claire asked if we could snuggle – and she took a nap curled up next to me. And I thought how wonderful it was that I was still here – still able to be here for her, still able to comfort her while she’s sick. And that made me wonder – will I still be able to be this kind of a mother when I’ve graduated and begin a career. Will I be able to balance everything?  Will I succeed at duality – career and mom. Time will tell. And the uncertainty that impending change will inevitably bring to our lives does make me stop, these days, and be more present with the children – knowing that my full-time status is being systematically deconstructed. 

On the other hand, I look at all the wonderful possibilities of growth that will come as my new life – that of career mom – is being constructed, built up, established. And it’s exciting. And it’s invigorating. And sometimes exhausting. But then, I think, isn’t life anyway?  Just exhausting sometimes? 

As I was laying here with Claire this morning (I am writing on my laptop in my bed) I thought how my time with them is so limited. My time with my children. So limited – but so eternal. Claire will not remember that we snuggled in the bed this morning when she was feeling tired and weak. But she will know, in her heart and for the rest of her life, that she had a mother who was willing to sacrifice everything for her at the drop of a hat. And for that – I am blessed. 

Motherhood suits me well. It has afforded me the opportunity to grow up with my children. To discover who I am while doing something with my life at the same time. I have not wasted any years. I am young enough to recoup the financial sacrifices we made when I was in my 20’s. And yet old enough to appreciate the worth of those sacrifices – and know that I have no regrets for the path my life has taken me on. And am looking forward to watching our family evolve in the next chapter of our life. 

Dislcaimer:  Some mothers have made different choices. They work and put their children in daycare. Some because they want to – and some because they have to. I hope those women are not offended by MY thoughts about MY experience with motherhood. That is the point of the post: introspection. I can’t speak for or judge the women who work, deal with daycare, etc. I have no point of reference to write about issues near and dear to those women. I know all healthy-minded mothers love their children and will do whatever they have to for them. I have nothing negative to say about working moms/daycare kids.